The truth is, I never realized what desire meant. The word was scary to me. I avoided it. In my mind, it meant those parts of me that were selfish, secret, greedy and bad. If I desired something then it must be something I didn't deserve.
Boy, was I wrong. Wrong. I had no "desire" to read this chapter. I had no idea what it would say and I thought it unimportant. Again, wrong. It illuminated such a deep connection to my truth, it was like discovering an old friend I didn't know I had. Someone I ignored. Someone I overlooked.
But, why? Now for the truthful part. Time to dig in. Why? My answer, off the top of my head would be, because I was never encouraged to follow my desires. I had no guidance. I had/have no idea what that means. Guilt was attached to desire. Guilt was stronger and guilt always won. Desire was never talked about. It wasn't examined. It was given no respect. Desire did not have a voice.
What voice does my desire have, at this moment in my life. My desire is what it causing such striff in my life in regards to truth. They are connected. My desire to to be loved. Not the kind of love that says "I have to love you because you are my daughter, sister, mother." No, the kind of love that says "I love you because you are uniquely you." I desire to have relationships that are honest and open. I desire to have relationships that are supportive and nurturing. To know that you belong to a family.
I think this is just the tip of an even deeper desire. But I want to give this part time. Time to figure itself out. Embracing and exploring. I think it will involve alot of letting go. Alot of realizing that those I desire to be the closest to, don't want the same with me. That's the hard part. But I feel there. I feel that I can follow this desire, it will just be with different relationships. That I can fill this desire. That I can first find that love towards myself. That if I give this type of love, I will get it back in return. Intention.
That's the deep stuff. Now that I've identified, it is time to step back for a little bit and observe. To practice the nothing that will lead me down the right path.
So, for today....I have a desire to knit. Create! Next chapter. To make scarves and hats and socks and many things. To create with my hands. Today, I am going to a beginning class. This will be the fifth time I have tried to learn. I feel kind of unteachable. I hope they can work a miracle. But, maybe I won't need that. Maybe my desire will speak up and squash all that fear. Maybe? I need to stop saying maybe and say WILL. There. That's better.
Love and peace.
Brava Christa!! First of all, I understand completely about not being taught how to tap into desire. That desire meant something bad or to desire would lead to disappointment. But I do know we can overcome that and learn to tap into the desire that dwells within us.
ReplyDeleteYour desire, to be loved for who you are -- flaws and all, to love you because you are uniquely you -- I think that is a universal desire. Some find it early, some struggle always to find it. I believe if we love ourselves that way wholly and unconditionally then we will find others who love us as we love ourselves.
As for the knitting...woo hoo...I'm so glad you are giving it another try. And this time? I have a very strong feeling that you are going to learn how to do this -- for exactly the reasons you stated!!
Thanks Sherry. Yes, everyone wants to be loved, especially from ones own family. I think I am finally at the point of acceptance that I am not going to get that desire fulfilled by mine, at least not in the way that truly makes me happy and authentic. I can only move forward and have an open heart to provide that safe place for my children. I am thankful for the lessons. It teaches me how NOT to be.
ReplyDeleteGo out and create with your hands as you desire. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou're right Christa, that is one thing we learn when we don't get the necessary love/direction/lessons from our parents...that we do not want to replicate with our children what happened to us. I know some people will repeat negative behaviours but I made a firm commitment that I would never treat my children in a negative manner and thankfully I have been able to do that. Loving ourselves helps us to love others.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post.... thanks for sharing your vulnerability and your strength, all wrapped into one.
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